Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
