I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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