Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
