i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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