I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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