the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
