so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
