i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
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I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
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I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
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