By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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