the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
