yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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