When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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