I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
