Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
