Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
