Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
