Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(501): View more from Arkansas

if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church

Fav 15 2180 2633
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(503): View more from Oregon

Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.

Fav 25 1420 3690
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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.

Fav 11 3043 1671
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(619): View more from California

yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work

Fav 11 4273 1275
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(704): View more from North Carolina

Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.

Fav 2 1355 1082
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(352): View more from Florida

Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.

Fav 11 2050 1007
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(440): View more from Ohio

Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.

Fav 7 2006 895
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.

Fav 1 111 126
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(609): View more from New Jersey

im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices

Fav 0 20 20
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