This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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