Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
