How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
