Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
