If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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