She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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