I puked a lego.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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