I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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