I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
