I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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