I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
