Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
