never play flip cup with pint glasses
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
