Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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