I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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