did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
