How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
