Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
