i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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