I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
