If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
