i may or may not be watching the land before time
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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