your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
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I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
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Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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