I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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