The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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