And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
