so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
