I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
