I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
