I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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