i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
