I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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