Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
