I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
