how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
