i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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