first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
PANTIES FOUND
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
