She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Randomize
