found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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