Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
