Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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