She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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