My liver just broke up with me...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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