It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
