I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
