I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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