Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
