I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
